Heroins & Villains: Part 3

Answering the phone was a gentle man's voice.  A bit raspy but peaceful and methodical.  I thought maybe I had called a Spa by accident!  Much different than the men in my life.  They are all abrasive with me.  Aggressive and threatened I guess.  The leaves on the trees were rusty colored and covered the wet sidewalk.  Parking on an uneven concrete driveway that lead to a tall house we looked at each other in anticipation.  We had arrived to speak to a man we did not know, but the mental health of our family lye in his hands.  His office, which was actually an extra room in his home, was a bit cliche idea of how I would expect a Therapists office to look.  A small couch, chair, and atop a wooden bookcase, there it was.  A water feature.  It trickled like all the others I had seen while getting a massage.  An average height man with a peppery grey beard entered, looked in our eyes and shaking hands with the both of us.  It was only the beginning.


Once the anticipation subsided, I found myself enveloped in every detail of our lives.  Though he wanted to work bits at a time, I was like that fountain.  So cliche.  But, that's where all of this has gotten me.  Our family was in crisis mode and one person brought us here.  They say it takes five positives to erase one negative.  I don't know who "they" are but I hope their ratio is right.


The past 7 weeks have flown by.  I am lagging behind in all of this holiday splendor.  Our street is littered with twinkling lights of all colors, animated reindeer, and even a few controversial Merry Christmas signs perched by front doors.  Tall decorated trees in windows of retail stores taunt me.  Reminding me that I am in desperate need of just a few special gifts.  If only I had time...and money...and holiday spirit.  Sadly enough, spending every single day in school aside my fourth grader doesn't pay well.  Actually, I am the one paying.  My nose is running, I can hear my phone vibrating behind the substitute teachers work station, and the kids keep giggling every time they hear my stomach growl.  If only there were a fax machine in the classroom...Financial aide is for those who qualify...and get their papers in!  Needless to ask, is it Christmas break yet?  Lucky for me though, the pressure to be in the Bakery was lessened when the owner decided to go to Germany for a couple of weeks.  That eased my mind and I was able to concentrate on multiplication tables and reading groups instead of bread orders and pizza recipes!


In an effort to regain my true self again, I have enrolled back in college.  I have rounded up a couple of jobs which will allow me to be at home...with a paycheck on the way.  I need progress.  To move forward all the time.  It's ironic that my family owns a construction company that specializes in foundations.  Yet, I am the only one whom has gone to college?  (Insert inaudible giggles)  So many moms get lost.  Men get lost as well.  We overlook some key factors that will begin to crack our foundations if they go unattended.  Many people I know are on similar journeys.  I find it comforting.  Being a mother is the most rewarding volunteer work you can do.  But somewhere along the way, I have begun to feel isolated.  In an effort to completely commit to making a marriage, I left my old self waiting on the bench waiting for a bus with no ticket.  There are things with my marriage I have left unattended and my foundation is cracked.  There is a long list of things my single-self never had to manage.  I am good with myself, what I am doing and which direction to roll.  When to begin and stop.  Co-habitation is a whole new deal.  Well, more like the breaking of deals.  All is balanced when all parties maintain their own foundations.  Maybe someday I will elaborate.  


So, here I sit.  Mind racing all over town.  In a cafe I use to manage.  Eating a pile of Caprese, but not an amazingly seasoned pile.  Reminds me that I need to get them some Gluten Free bread samples to relieve me of this sloppy mess.  Today, celebrating with a house coffee and extra whip.  My son is at school by himself for the moment.  A self-imposed challenge.  He asked if he could go to P.E., Lunch and recess without me.  This is exactly what I am looking to happen.  I cannot wait until he is able to go everyday feeling confident and secure without me.  Sigh.