Through many failed attempts at sleepovers, on both sides of the street, they too had to be eliminated. All of my growing up was spent in the same neighborhood, with lifelong friends. Summer days spent running til dusk on the many trails and floating winding canals and catching snakes on the rocks which surround the Bay near my dad's house. There were not many manicured yards or housekeepers where I came from. There was pure joy, creativity, innocence and wholesomeness in the games we made up and the way we were to each other. Of course we had tiffs, but we were just being kids. Figuring out who we were. There was such freedom for us to just be ourselves, that we are all strong and well balanced to this day. Nostalgia is why I was so excited for my boys to have friends like that.
On the final day of Summer soccer, I will admit I was relieved to be free of any obligatory time I had been paying to this other family. Then again we were finished, and again, and again. Our sports seasons nearly run into each other, but that is planned just so. Keeping kids busy in organized sports is a great outlet for them. Anyway, I need to include Halloween day as an ironic catalyst. It fell on a Sunday this year. In the late afternoon, I had to go to work. Not a serious career move, but a well paying side job. All three kids were at home with my husband. In itself, a momentous occasion which usually ends in mommy mediation. Not fun, but it's my life. This day was quite abnormal though. When I got home in the early evening, it was time to get on costumes, leave to Grampa's and collect candy from strangers at their front doors. My nine year-old was a bit apprehensive. Shy and a bit reclusive, which is very unlike this class clown. Trotting from house to house, but ready to get home after only a couple of long blocks. Could they just be growing up? I'm not ready for that!
There was an epic explosion that very next day. It happened to be just the first of many over the next few weeks. I was in my Bakery when the call came through. My dad is an integral part of the story. When I had s boy, we were living with my dad. He was always an active, consistent, single parent. Wonderful, in-home sitters are nearly impossible to find, however he was offended at the idea of anyone else watching his grand baby so that I could go back to work. Over the next five years, we preceded to uphold this routine without fail. Though we did not live with him after the first year. This man makes it to every game and practice for sporting events, every school function, Holiday and is around nearly every day of the week. He and my middle son are the closest of the bunch. This is a huge part of the saga, as you will learn. As the principal explained to me over the phone, my son had displayed an array of undesirable behaviors, and was therefore suspended! I don't feel the importance of including the details of this interaction. Partially because it is unimportant to the process and the larger portion is that it is irrelevant. Obvious to me, this was a reaction to something that was inside him and had little to do with the facts in that classroom. Their reality was having changed teachers. This change was the first of three over the next two weeks.
Suspension is not particularly productive in my theory of punishment. One side of the spectrum would say that the parents will be so put out that their punishments at home will be enough to make the kids never repeat the same behavior. What if these kids were getting abused due to being stuck at home and not in school? When does it become enough of a financial burden for these adults to miss work and stay home? Should students be home alone? What exactly do administrators expect us to do at home? Our kids did not get in trouble at home, yet we are suppose to teach them a lesson? Even dog trainers know that you should not scold a dog for running off when he finally comes home!
I will say that I am proud to be a proactive parent. Although it's not so revered by certain school district members at the moment. I really don't care. My interest is getting my son through school, no matter what the cost. Maybe it's time I can start offering advice to any parent in a similar situation. You are the advocate for your child. Principals and anyone employed by the school district are not obligated to help your child. Their best interest is their priority. This is not to say that the men and women here will not go above and beyond their job description, and I will give them much praise throughout the latter part of this...where it is due. Everyone wants to be thought of as a Hero but their actions are what forces them to be viewed as Villains.
For now, I must go. Although the actions of my son have been repeated pretty much like the story before. I do not feel it is important to wallow in the muddy mess that has gotten me to where I am right now.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Heroins & Villains: Part 1
What would you do if your child was bullied? If there were damage inflicted that you cannot prevent or mend? When you know the actions of Villains have changed the way your prodigy sees himself, thinks of himself and where he is going in life. In early childhood many of us are told that we are a certain way based on the behaviors we exhibit or just on the purely biased opinions of the ones that love us. For myself, there are two positive affirmations that were told to me. 1: I am pretty 2: I can live anywhere I want to. It seems a bit abstract looking back, and I am sure there may have been others, but none as significant. With plenty of negatives to list, I need not bother wasting the time. For my 9 year-old, I have always used verbal affirmations as a positive reinforcement tool. I get to be his heroin. However, many of them have now been altered by Social Weaponry.
Moving to a new neighborhood is intimidating, unsure and exciting for kids. Our previous home was surrounded by second-homes near the Beach. The only foot traffic passing by were senior citizens walking their alien-looking dogs wearing jackets that didn't make them look any more friendly than my boys looked with sticks in their hands! Unpacking boxes and arranging bookshelves is revival for all of the miscellaneous card games and things we had forgotten about. It was June and the weather was finally starting to be more consistently sunny. Fed-up with being indoors, we headed out to investigate our back yard. My youngest was about a month old, napping, and we were free to play for atleast a couple of hours. Although the grass had not been mowed for what looked to be a year, we made up the greatest hunting/war/recon game ever. When you've got boys, you make lemonade! Hiding under the Old Growth blades of grass, I discovered a board that was missing from the back fence. Standing up, my great revelation was to jump through and see what was back there. My mission was aborted as I fell under enemy fire. I guess it wasn't a good idea?
Fall afternoons are so peaceful. The sun seems to glow a deeper orange and the dusty pollen floats in the air romanticizing the scent of your skin. From the blanket I had strewn across the grass however, I overheard a couple of unfamiliar voices just over the front gate. Pretending to be simply bask in the sun, I suggested they try discovering what was on the "other" side of this back fence. Conveniently, I had not fixed the missing board yet. Suddenly, this was a genious idea.
The older boy was tall and thin, with spikey black hair and legs that seemed to be a mile long. Accentuated by the jeans he wore, which rode high on his waist and well above his ankle bone, exposing his all-black tennis shoes. He seemed confident and looked me in the eye when he spoke to me. His younger brother was still younger than both my boys. Shorter than what I remember a 7 year-old to be, but had the same black spikey hair and presentation. However, was a bit dodgy in conversation and seemed uncomfortable and fidgity. My assessment time was apparently a big hold-up. Off they went, jumping the six foot fence and crashing through the high brush. I was so elated they had finally made a couple of friends and were back there doing what kids do!
One of my goals is to always maintain an active lifestyle with my family. Gardening is a hobby to me and all of the boys help me with things of and on throughout the seasons. We planted more vegetables than I remember, however I recall my Tomatoes were doing exceptionally well. Mid-afternoon, this new older boy had jumped into the middle of them, busting up the stalks and limbs in two large footprint-sized holes. I had noticed him jumping from the fence, and felt it appropriate to let him know that we don't do that here. When I discovered the disheveled plants, I politely confronted all of the boys hoping he could just admit to it and we could use it as a positive. Instead, I had to tell him I saw him do it, and that lying was not allowed, and I had them go home. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of a nearly lethal cycle.
Not holding any grudges, the kids continued playing together and us parents began to forge friendships as well. I was raised mostly by a single father, so when I learned they only had a father, I was able to empathize with their situation, offer some insight and support. Since my kids were going to play soccer, I asked permission to sign these boys up as well. Once the soccer season began, I started noticing tension and listened alot closer to conversations. My boys have played soccer for nearly five years now. So, I knew naturally there would be some insecurity and jealousy because the other boys had not ever been able to play on a team before and mine are well established, affluent players. My older son began not enjoying himself and expressed some doubts in his ability. Something was going on when I was not around which was causing my younger son to stand up for himself and brother. So, like a true ninja, I started evesdropping...a lot. Although I was continuing my obligation to transport these kids, I realized we seriously needed to cut back the time they were spending alone together.
Moving to a new neighborhood is intimidating, unsure and exciting for kids. Our previous home was surrounded by second-homes near the Beach. The only foot traffic passing by were senior citizens walking their alien-looking dogs wearing jackets that didn't make them look any more friendly than my boys looked with sticks in their hands! Unpacking boxes and arranging bookshelves is revival for all of the miscellaneous card games and things we had forgotten about. It was June and the weather was finally starting to be more consistently sunny. Fed-up with being indoors, we headed out to investigate our back yard. My youngest was about a month old, napping, and we were free to play for atleast a couple of hours. Although the grass had not been mowed for what looked to be a year, we made up the greatest hunting/war/recon game ever. When you've got boys, you make lemonade! Hiding under the Old Growth blades of grass, I discovered a board that was missing from the back fence. Standing up, my great revelation was to jump through and see what was back there. My mission was aborted as I fell under enemy fire. I guess it wasn't a good idea?
Fall afternoons are so peaceful. The sun seems to glow a deeper orange and the dusty pollen floats in the air romanticizing the scent of your skin. From the blanket I had strewn across the grass however, I overheard a couple of unfamiliar voices just over the front gate. Pretending to be simply bask in the sun, I suggested they try discovering what was on the "other" side of this back fence. Conveniently, I had not fixed the missing board yet. Suddenly, this was a genious idea.
The older boy was tall and thin, with spikey black hair and legs that seemed to be a mile long. Accentuated by the jeans he wore, which rode high on his waist and well above his ankle bone, exposing his all-black tennis shoes. He seemed confident and looked me in the eye when he spoke to me. His younger brother was still younger than both my boys. Shorter than what I remember a 7 year-old to be, but had the same black spikey hair and presentation. However, was a bit dodgy in conversation and seemed uncomfortable and fidgity. My assessment time was apparently a big hold-up. Off they went, jumping the six foot fence and crashing through the high brush. I was so elated they had finally made a couple of friends and were back there doing what kids do!
One of my goals is to always maintain an active lifestyle with my family. Gardening is a hobby to me and all of the boys help me with things of and on throughout the seasons. We planted more vegetables than I remember, however I recall my Tomatoes were doing exceptionally well. Mid-afternoon, this new older boy had jumped into the middle of them, busting up the stalks and limbs in two large footprint-sized holes. I had noticed him jumping from the fence, and felt it appropriate to let him know that we don't do that here. When I discovered the disheveled plants, I politely confronted all of the boys hoping he could just admit to it and we could use it as a positive. Instead, I had to tell him I saw him do it, and that lying was not allowed, and I had them go home. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of a nearly lethal cycle.
Not holding any grudges, the kids continued playing together and us parents began to forge friendships as well. I was raised mostly by a single father, so when I learned they only had a father, I was able to empathize with their situation, offer some insight and support. Since my kids were going to play soccer, I asked permission to sign these boys up as well. Once the soccer season began, I started noticing tension and listened alot closer to conversations. My boys have played soccer for nearly five years now. So, I knew naturally there would be some insecurity and jealousy because the other boys had not ever been able to play on a team before and mine are well established, affluent players. My older son began not enjoying himself and expressed some doubts in his ability. Something was going on when I was not around which was causing my younger son to stand up for himself and brother. So, like a true ninja, I started evesdropping...a lot. Although I was continuing my obligation to transport these kids, I realized we seriously needed to cut back the time they were spending alone together.
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